On March 28, UFC® 128 will feature SafeAuto Fight Team member Edson Barboza, undefeated in the lightweight division, up against Anthony Njokuani. It’ll be a fun match to watch, but we can think of something more fun: seeing Barboza up against the animal he most resembles, the tiger. Here’s how it would go down!
Weight: 155 pounds
Fighting Style: Muay Thai
Record: In the UFC he is 1-0, overall he is 7-0-0. As a professional Muay Thai fighter, he achieved a 25-3 record, with 22 of those wins by knockout, 17 of them in the first round. In fact, it’s pretty rare for anybody to get to a second round with Barboza, who offers up both brutal punches and painful leg kicks. His first opponent in Ring of Combat lasted precisely 69 seconds against him and those leg kicks, and his last two opponents have been TKOed due to leg kicks.
In short, this is the absolute last man on the planet you want to give you a swift kick to the shins, because he’ll probably knock it right off your knee and embed it into the wall behind you.
Awards: Three-time state champion, Rio De Janeiro. Two-time Demolition Fight champion, Sao De Paulo. Two-time Copa Ciam champion, Rio De Janeiro.
These are just the highlights of his twenty-one (count ’em) championships: it’s safe to say that if there’s a championship that somehow involves fighting, and it’s anywhere near Rio De Janeiro, Edson Barboza has won it at least once.
A Wild Tiger
Nationality: Asian (ranges from India to Russia)
Height: 3′ (but it can be 11′ long)
Weight: 500 lbs, average
Fighting Style: Mauling and Eating
Record: Between 1800 and 1900, it is estimated tigers ate 10,000 people in India alone. On the other hand, due to deforestation and hunting, three of nine tiger species are extinct and the other six are all endangered to some degree.
Awards: None, although in our research we discovered tigers can literally drop a guy riding on top of a full grown elephant. If there’s not an award for that, there should be.
HOW THE FIGHT WOULD GO DOWN:
Edson Barboza enters the ring, as the tiger is let out in the opposite corner. The tiger, taking a look around, immediately jumps into the spectators, racing straight for the announcer’s box for a chunk of Mike Goldberg. Barboza jumps out of the ring, chasing down the tiger, who has cornered Goldberg at the back of the arena, and kicks the tiger in the ribs to get its attention. The tiger jumps over Barboza but misjudges the landing and accidentally drops out of the announcing booth, onto a fleeing Joe Rogan.
Barboza immediately follows, landing on the tiger with a drop knee and rolling away. The tiger attempts to maul Barboza in the face, which is unfortunate because it needs to get on its back paws to do so, thus exposing its most sensitive parts to Barboza’s explosive kicking power.
As the match is already non-regulation, with the tiger being disqualified for leaving the ring, Barboza kicks the tiger in the groin while punching the tiger in the face. The tiger immediately vomits and passes out, and stays unconscious for 24 hours. It is unable to walk normally for another week.
For the rest of Barboza’s life, it is eternally argued whether it’s more manly that he punched a tiger in the face or kicked a tiger in the groin. The dispute will remain unsettled for the rest of human history.
UNANIMOUS DECISION: SHALORUS!