Kamal Shalorus Vs. A Fire Tornado

In the upcoming UFC® 128 on March 28, we’re going to see the debut of Iranian wrestler and SafeAuto Fight Team member Kamal Shalorus. A catch wrestler and student of Brazilian Ju-Jitsu, Shalorus currently holds a 7-0-2 record, with his last win coming from the World Extreme Cagefighting group that merged with the UFC.

Sure, he’s going to be a fierce opponent in the Octagon®. But how would this promising newcomer do against something that can’t be hit?

THE FIGHTERS

Kamal Shalorus

Height: 5’8”

Weight: 155 pounds

Nationality: Iranian

Fighting Style: Wrestling and Brazilian Ju-Jitsu

Record: Despite being new to the UFC, Shalorus has racked up an impressive 7-0-2 record, often facing long odds. He’s best known to MMA fans for his time in the World Extreme Cagefighting circuit, where he defeated Dave Jansen by unanimous decision. However, he’s also fought in King of Kombat, Fists of Fury, Extreme Challenge, and the Supreme Warrior Championship. And all of this started in 2006: before then Shalorus spent his time wrestling and grappling, including defeating Joachim Hansen at the Abu Dhabi Combat Club qualifiers.

Notable Achievements: Official grappling instructor for the American Combat Association. Placed 19th in Olympic qualifiers for wrestling.

A Fire Tornado

Height: 100′

Weight: Insubstantial

Nationality: Nightmares

Fighting Style: Burning

Record: Fire tornadoes, while rare, are utterly terrifying. They occur when a wildfire causes severe updrafts and air currents, causing the flame to rise and spin at the same time. And then keep traveling, to destroy everything in their path.

Notable Achievements: Scared the entire Internet. Hundreds of thousands of YouTube views.

HOW THE FIGHT WOULD GO DOWN:

Shalorus, fighting in one of New Jersey’s many drought-stricken areas, is waiting in the ring for his opponent when the fire tornado strikes, ripping the roof off the building while simultaneously setting it on fire. Fortunately, it is directly across from Shalorus when it does this, and equally fortunately, the arena is mostly empty at the time, due to a misunderstanding with local media that the fight is instead between Dan Wheatley and Mike Suttles, instead of two fighters anybody would want to see.

Equally fortunately, a large supply of fire extinguishers is available, as a fire safety sale will be going on in the convention center the next day. Shalorus leaps to the table and is informed he will have to pay for each extinguisher he uses. After the man who tells him this is put into a dozen wrestling holds in less than three seconds, a new world record, extinguishers are gladly volunteered. Shalorus uses his devastating knockout punch to slam whole extinguishers into the fire tornado. Each one explodes, reducing the fire until it has reached a manageable level.

However, before firefighters can step in, Shalorus vaults over and stomps the flames out with his bare feet, cracking the concrete.

A statue is built in his honor in New Jersey, and the fire tornado chooses to attack targets who are less dangerous in the future, such as military airbases and Gary Busey.

UNANIMOUS DECISION: SHALORUS!

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