Signs You’re A Little Too Close To Your Car

Queen wrote the anthem to it. Dale Earnhardt Jr. once admitted to having a crush on Hendrick Motorsports Chassis 88-617. Millions of men get in trouble for it. It’s time to admit it: you might just be a little too attached to your car. Here are a few signs that you might want to consider spending some quality time away from the garage.

  • Your wife gets angry at you for the bikini models in your muscle car calendar, and you didn’t even notice there were any bikini models in it.
  • The average cost of a car accessory costs more than what you spend on an average date.
  • You spend more time trying to find the guy who dinged your door than you do trying to find the guy who stole your wife’s purse.
  • Someone tries to borrow your car, and they have to pry the fingers of your hand open to get at the keys.
  • You get caught out in the garage at 3 a.m., admiring your car’s undercarriage.
  • You give your car any sort of name. Come on, not even Earnhardt did that, and he drove Chassis 88-617 1,500 miles in one season.
  • You spend your entire weekend looking for one obscure part on the Internet, and then drop three times its value buying it on eBay.
  • You spend more than an hour waxing your car.
  • You spend more than an hour waxing your tires, not realizing that you’ve been wasting wax on them.
  • You spend more than an hour waxing your wife’s legs so she’ll stop bugging you and you can wax your car.
  • You watch “Christine” and think that it reflects a healthy car/owner relationship.
  • Your car is insured not only for collision and general road, but also for floods, fire, terrorist attacks, earthquakes, and being stolen by a mad scientist for the purpose of being turned into a time machine and driven to the future.
  • Your garage is more secure than your house.
  • You think Clint Eastwood acted extremely reasonably in “Gran Torino.”
  • You own more than one tool for cleaning your car.
  • Your stereo system costs more than your rent.
  • You drive through strip malls just to see your reflection in the glass.
  • You’ve installed any feature that costs more than the Blue Book value of the car itself (we’re looking right at you, anybody who has installed rims.)
  • Your invention is hosted by Jay Leno, who thinks you have gone too far.
  • Your car is stolen by Jay Leno, due to jealousy.
  • You have the VIN number tattooed anywhere on your body.
  • Your car is so clean, you can’t take it out on sunny days because it will blind other drivers.
  • You’ve spent so much money on your car, you’re living in it.

How about you? Any signs you think we missed?

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