The Definitive History of the Wedgie

Sure, driving without car insurance can feel like having your underwear pulled over your head, with all of the fees and penalties. But where did the wedgie originate? How has it changed through time? Read on as we present to you, The History of the Wedgie.

25,000 BC: An unknown caveman invents underwear. Another unknown caveman immediately grabs the back and yanks, snapping the underside and accidentally inventing the loincloth. He then pulls down and invents pantsing, making it a notable day in human history.

1341 BC: Archaeological evidence shows underwear in King Tut’s tomb. Also pictured are odd hieroglyphics that seemingly translate out to “A pharaoh may yank the underpants of those beneath his rank.” Oddly, the underwear found in Tut’s tomb are the only evidence that any Egyptians wore underpants, and they seem limited to the royalty of the time.

15 AD: Slaves, by decree, were forced to wear underwear. The justification was that it was a “sanitary measure” but depictions of Romans yanking hard on the underwear of slaves illustrate the true purpose. Gladiatorial fights advance the wedgie, by inventing the “atomic wedgie” as a form of attack.

476: Rome falls. Underwear falls out of disfavor.

477: Underwear readopted: it’s cold outside.

776: Charlemagne corners the Duke of Friulli in battle, and administers the first fatal wedgie.

1066: Duke William of Normandy is crowned king, and underwear is delivered to his court, staffed generously with people who opposed his rise to power. On a cue, the doors are slammed and the guards begin giving the guests violent wedgies. Their screams are heard across London.

1066 – 1776: The wedgie remains largely a peacetime weapon, only used in drastic situations. Few records of wedgie attacks remain, but apparently were suggested to the Native American peoples, who rejected the behavior as too barbaric.

1776: “We the people declare that King George deserves a good hard yank of the waistband, the jerk” is rejected as the preamble to the Declaration of Independence.

1815: Napoleon is beaten at Waterloo, and is carried into captivity with his underwear mounted on the rail. Upon his death, physicians are shocked to discover it remained grafted to his skin.

1935: Briefs are sold on the market for the first time. Testicle injuries skyrocket.

1939: Neville Chamberlain is given a wedgie by Adolf Hitler after peace talks. War is narrowly averted.

1945: Hitler narrowly avoids a revenge wedgie.

1950: The “nerd” is born. Wedgies reach new heights of popularity, except among nerds. The hanging wedgie is introduced.

1967: The “hippie” is born. Wedgies decrease, as he has too many chemicals in his system to notice them.

1972: The last Marine out of Saigon delivers a wedgie to a passing Viet Cong troop.

1989: Erich Mielke, the head of the Stasi, East Germany’s feared secret police, delivers a speech after the fall of the Berlin Wall that is roundly mocked. The biggest laugh remains a citizen walking in and giving Mielke an atomic wedgie. The wedgie becomes a sign of freedom in Russia.

1993: Boxer shorts rise in popularity, largely thanks to wedgie-proofing.

2006: An Albany teacher is arrested for delivering a wedgie as a form of punishment.

2007: Eight year old twins invent wedgie-proof underwear specifically to annoy their mother.

2011: SafeAuto brings the wedgie to new pop cultural prominence.

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